I would have liked to have carried my bat but at the crease, it takes unbelievable concentration to bat for so long and I have let other thoughts creep in over the last few weeks and tonight I was clean-bowled, furniture rearranged, mopped up, sent back to the pavilion. Looking back won’t change the fact that the middle stump is missing and the bails are flashing away by my feet…

My disappointment is immense and many thoughts have crossed my mind of failure and self-loathing, an overwhelming feeling of letting people down not least myself but I also feel a little bit glad it’s over like a weight has been lifted.

Proving to myself that I could walk away was what it was about 13th November 2021 and I did, when no-one thought I could or would, and it was great to achieve that, but it’s become boring it has started to feel like everyone else was enjoying themselves and I was convincing myself I was too?

Maybe I was but surely worrying about it is not living, it’s not being free of thought, and it was never about starting a sober revolution I am not strong enough to lead anything let alone a lifestyle anti to the first 51 years of my life!

So 465 days ago I walked to the crease and tonight I head to the pavilion bat raised having over-achieved in my eyes and I am sure surprised many along the way but until the next time….

Last year on 12th November I sat on the sofa after another particularly heavy drinking session and I looked at Jamie and told her I was thinking about giving up drinking for a while…? To actually say those words out loud had been worrying me for ages because it felt like I was admitting something, admitting there was a problem, admitting that I thought there was a problem and I didn’t want to say them if I wasn’t ready but the moment had arrived.  

This was the moment and there was only one person in the world I would trust with those words and to handle them as I wanted them to be handled, confidentially and without judgement. She said that she thought it was a good idea and if that’s what I wanted to do, she would back me all the way. She was surprised when I said I wanted to give up for one year, to go a whole year without drinking, without touching a single drop of alcohol, just to prove to myself that I can do it and that I do not need to drink.  

It was actually a frightening thought because my whole adult life, every great time I have ever had, was accompanied by alcohol, every single one? Every special occasion, everything I have ever done, I always had a drink in my hand, the good bits, the bad bits, the mundane were all washed down with a drink. It has enhanced many occasions but more often than not it resulted in drinking too much and either ruining the day or not being able to remember the day anyway, whether it was great or not. Drinking had become a daily habit though and that was when I started to think I need to change because it was no longer just social drinking!  

My first drinking thoughts of the day could be in the afternoon before I got home, just looking forward to it looking forward to that first one. Then along came COVID and lockdown when I could start drinking as soon as I finished work, there was no commute no down time between finishing work and my first glass of wine, I would start drinking at 5 o’clock while making tea, but that meant I had finished a bottle of wine by the time we’d washed up and it was only 7pm, so most nights a couple of bottles of wine were the order of the day, but why stop drinking at 9pm when the second bottle was empty, I didn’t have to drive to work might as well open another bottle…and wake up on the sofa at 2am and crawl into bed. 

So I embarked on this daunting journey of complete sobriety, to abstain for a whole year to test myself to see if it was me in control or the drink, but most of all to find out who I was without alcohol, because I honestly didn’t know? I once did dry January but there is so much pressure at midnight on December 31^st when the party is in full swing to just stop… for a month… I did it but vowed never to do that again. I have stopped for shorter periods when I fancied a rest from it and the only person that noticed was Jamie but she just left me to it and thought if I wanted to discuss it I would. 

The 13^th November 2021 was just another day, no pressure, no significance just my decision, my moment. 

It was ok the first few days but it starter to get harder when the pinch points came like finishing work and making tea which I needed fizzy water to get me past through that pressure point but over time my body started to just accept that I was not drinking anymore and by 7pm I was fine just get a glass of water if I was thirsty but more often than not I didn’t drink anything before going to bed.  

Thanksgiving was my first real test because, this was always a boozy affair, the not drinking was fine but I was not ready to admit to anyone else I was trying to stay sober for a year so I said I would taxi everyone this year, which meant not drinking was easy. We went to the pub, I went to play pool, we had meals out, I drove every time and drank sparkling water knowing both combined meant I avoided suspicion and any awkward questions. By the time Christmas came I was used to not having a drink even though I still thought about it a lot, those thoughts were diminishing by Christmas day I was prepared to drive taxiing me mum, when Jamie dropped the C-bomb on Christmas eve, she’d tested positive for the ‘rona. That meant isolating for the whole festive period, so sober under the radar was easy, and so the new year came and went and I was finding it easier every day Jamie’s birthday, my birthday, summer, it all started to become just life. I had a project that kept my hands busy, which was my Shed and the cash I would have spent on alcohol was thrown at that which was a win win! 

Since last year I have done many many things that would have always involved alcohol and passed the test every time, and reached this point with the mindset that I do not even want to start again particularly maybe ever but I don’t want to say that and bring pressure on myself, because I do not think I am ready, I think that is too much.

Am I going to have a drink on 13^th November 2022? No, is the answer I won’t be having a drink because the year expires I am in no rush to dive back in, but I can I am allowed because I have done what I set out to do. I feel good and I am proud of myself that I did it because I doubted I could do it. So let’s see what the future brings.