16 & counting

The 2nd February gets easier as every year passes, they said time will heal but in 2007 I didn’t believe them but it does and 16 years on I was reminded by Facebook that it was the anniversary as soon as I switched my phone on. I know I would have remembered without social media but it shows how far I have come that a day I used to dread is now, not just another day, but a day I feel good about.

I like to mention Vons name on Facey and Insta to remind people that she lived because she is never far from my thoughts every day but those who knew her as a friend may not think about her often or ever, and I believe that it’s a nice thing to be reminded of a beautiful soul today and for her friends to smile for a moment recalling their favourite Von memory.

Jamie sometimes asks me if Von saw me now would she recognise me and it makes me smile, physically of course she would but I have changed so much in 16 years that I probably am almost unrecognisable. Certainly, your outlook on life changes when you realise how fragile it is and how quickly things can change, which has made seeking happiness my main priority. I became a different person in many ways but now I enjoy being me and if people don’t like me that doesn’t matter so long as I am happy!

Whatever the journey, it brought me to this moment and for that, I would not change a thing because I believe it all had to happen how it did to get me to now.

RIP Von and thank you!

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Trying

Always trying, is how I seem to live, no matter what I am doing I am always trying for instance tonight at pool I just wanted to do my best and was unlucky. When I walk through the door after work I try to do something to help the household like laundry or tidying, at work I just try to do my best every day at woodwork I am trying to become better

What’s the point of anything if you’re not trying what are you doing if you’re not trying? Sometimes it might not look like I am but I am trying, it’s parenting that is the toughest because even if you don’t want to try it is not an option. It is so frightening that trying and getting it wrong is very real but you won’t know you got it wrong until much later and then it’s too late…

I’ll never stop trying to be a good parent, I wish it was easier and you were able to put the mistakes right but no one can tell what’s right and wrong I can only hope my mistakes aren’t too big!

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Dry January 2023

The last few days I have I have thought a lot about drinking again and the questions are always the same but I have to make the answers fit how I am feeling. Today would have been ridiculous not complete my second dry January on the trott and when I feel like this I have to set goals easy ones like “don’t drink today” or harder ones like “Dry January”

All the time it’s on my mind just now and I am not sure why?

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What have you done today!

After last year Lincoln was the first name down for Young Voices 2023 and tonight we went to the AO Arena to watch him sing along with 8500 other stars. Heather Small was also on the bill and many other entertainers but there was only one person we were watching in the whole arena

It is always tricky to pinpoint your child but you are always sat with all the other Middlewich Primary School parents so you’re not alone but once we spotted him that was easy for the rest of the evening

Heather sang “What have you done today to make you feel proud?” Well Lincoln that’s an easy question YV2023 you should be very proud! I watched him singing, dancing, jumping around and errr yawning, it looked like they’d had a long day getting ready for the performance and by 9pm it was looking like he was spent?

A great night well worth the weeks of rehearsals and the smiles he gave us as he saw us sat watching and the glances over to see if we were paying attention and joining in made us feel proud too

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Rapunzel & Laa Laa

Themed evening at youth church this evening all the children were asked to dress up as a character starting with the first letter of their name.

Reagan decided on Repunzel, a princess unaware of her royal heritage, commended for her spirited, lively personality and independence. sounds about a perfect character for Reagan to be? She is just so beautiful, I know I am bias, she also lives like she’s a princess too

Lincoln chose Laa Laa a Teletubby who is often seen looking out for the others, is silly and cute and most of the time has a cheerful personality. Sounds about right for a boy who just lives by the beat of his own drum and does not care what people think and long may that continue!

They did not win the fancy dress competition (due to nepotism) but both won in my eyes just carry on being you kids you’re perfect as you are!

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Why did we get here?

Had such a great conversation with Jamie today discussing relationships and what it means to be happy. We all want to be happy but don’t work on being happy with what we have enough or fully work through our feelings instead trying to be someone else pulling up facades and putting on masks to hide true feelings or be someone you think another person will like, better than the person you are.

We are no better or worse than anyone else nor do we know how or why other relationships succeed or falter but we wandered around Shaking the Mirror and chatted about many people we know and our thoughts and opinions we also discussed who we were when we met and who we are today and I mentioned that I didn’t feel like I have ever been anything other than honest and it has helped immensely because I have never had to remember who what I am supposed to be.

Conclusion: I have to put no effort into our relationship because I am just me every day and you love me, I have been me with no masks or facades since the moment we met an open book that has matured in front of you learning but always staying honest and true to myself and you still love me and I have never had to think about being anything else to maintain that!

Ironically earlier today I did some tidying on my desk and found a note from Jamie

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No more Gymnastics

Lincoln had not been enjoying gymnastics for a few weeks but because we had paid for 10 lessons the rule is if you commit to something you need to see it through, he carried on until today. Lincoln started gymnastics when he was 7 but really took to it when they said he could learn tumbling something he really wanted to do.

After 5 years I have just watched he’d him being tested on things he has been doing every week for months and the class never really moves on I think because of pupil turnover, children just starting in the same class as Lincoln who has been there a while?

Gymnastics has taught him a lot even if he doesn’t see it, the testing today was on handstand with half twist to standing (dismount), forward roll on beam and a plank thrust backwards (this last one was a weird one but a step towards tumbling when explained to me, jump full length into a crash mat with arms out front and try to push backwards in the opposite direction as far as you can, like you would need to do to tumble)

All the techniques involved in each of these disciplines are necessary to know and master before applying them and during the lessons his conditioning has improved immensely.

I think he has just become bored and that’s a shame because he is good at it but slow progress and boxercise turning his head means today was the end of his gymnastic journey…

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440 days sober

I questioned my sobriety today after dreaming about Guinness, and whether there is any reason why I need to deny myself something I want and have enjoyed many times in the past? The only answer I could come up with was 440 days, and how I would feel if I broke that streak and maybe a pint of the black stuff would not be anywhere near as nice as I dreamed.

I drank lucazade and fizzy water and my craving passed but it left me thinking about whether I am sober forever or just on a sabbatical.

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The bit in the middle

I discovered Renèe Fleming this evening an American Soprano who I’d never heard of before but have just spent an hour in the bath with and Ave Maria amongst others… and was emersed in so many ways.

Music you do not have to listen to, was what I was looking for, to relax with and have it in the background while I flicked through Facebook which sounds terrible

but WOW!

I found myself placing the phone down closing my eyes and just appreciating her voice aswell as the what the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra sounded like on a good speaker in a good acoustic room.

It gave me time to think about stuff namely I watched Reagan putting this huge horse back into a field last night and it was so amazing to see my daughter enjoying working hard and not moaning about it, she looked so grown up. Then she gets in my car sipping a Costa iced tea while flicking through Tiktok occasionally gracing me with small talk as I drive her home…God help us all!

Lincoln left this morning for a school residential in Whitby something he has been looking forward to since they told him last year that he was going. Like his sister he is growing up and as I watched him walk away from us at the school gates he looked grown up but hugged and kissed his Mom and hugged me like our little boy he will always be to us.

They are both turning into great people and really do make me proud every day

Mommy is in an “Emergency” BICA meeting, nothing too serious but from thriving business owner to rising through the ranks in her chosen sector of counselling to actually calling a meeting to save the committee, of which she is a member, running the whole industry from self-destruction.

As I laid there in a very hot bath, listening to Renèe and thinking about my family I wondered how I got so damn lucky? I will be repeating the experience, anything that can turn me away from my phone for even 10 minutes has to be good and maybe I’ll discover a love for opera?

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Mind reader in the house

Got told tonight that my mind had been read as I refereed a pool match, and apparently I was thinking that if no-one noticed I was not going to call foul against my own player?

Now as referee my decision is final and it took me a couple of seconds to assess whether a foul had been committed but before called it a known gobshite from the other team shouted that it was foul. I called it once I knew what foul had been committed and the frame continued to its conclusion without any arguments from either player and we all returned to our seats.

As I filled out the match score sheet and started to write out the name of my next player the gobshite came over to our table to tell me what I was thinking, and that would have cheated if he had not told me how to referee. So I said I couldn’t believe he was able to read my mind but he was adamant he could but I was certain he could not for two reasons, the first being that mind reading is not possible and the other reason was was I was actually thinking this gobshite was actually a cunt and if he read that surly he would have been a lot more upset than he was lol

Anyway he went and sat back down and the match carried on, I think he may have been upset because the frame before I had beaten him pretty convincingly so maybe I was reading his mind who knows…

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