Coping better

Just got in from playing pool and pleased we actually won a match sadly too rare this season so to take all the points with a 5 3 win against White Lion a good side with some very good players was really good!

With no car because I can’t tax it because the MOT ran out and can not get it in until Monday didn’t bother me too much, it’s annoying but it will get sorted.

My positive attitude at work helped me handle the same old stupidity that’s happening everday just lately.

A good walk after work blew away any lingering stresses and even Reagan telling Mommy at 21:30 that she has food tech in the morning and needs minced lamb and garlic cloves didn’t phase me I went to Tesco Express and sorted on the way home.

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It’s about perspective

Today was the absolute worst day ever
And don’t try to convince me that
There’s something good in every day
Because, when you take a closer look,
This world is a pretty evil place.
Even if
Some goodness does shine through once in a while
Satisfaction and happiness don’t last.
And it’s not true that
It’s all in the mind and heart
Because
True happiness can be attained
Only if one’s surroundings are good
It’s not true that good exists
I’m sure you can agree that
The reality
Creates
My attitude
It’s all beyond my control
And you’ll never in a million years hear me say
Today was a very good day

When you are strugging, sometimes you just need a different perspective, so I read the first paragraph back from bottom to top, try it!

Jamie was telling me what I needed and I wasn’t understanding but now I see it, and it’s what I say to others all the time. Happiness starts from within and that’s the bit I’ve forgotten my positivity that things will get better and that this is all temporary tomorrow will be better.

Today wasn’t the greatest but by the time 5pm came my attitude was different forgetting my MOT was due so being unable to tax my car was annoying and work was as annoying as it ever has been but both will get sorted both will be better either tomorrow or next week but at 5:01 Jamie and me took Billy for a long walk and I let my phone ring instead of answering it and the walk was better for it! My good mood turned into a great mood and I passed it on to Reagan and Lincoln ever the manager in Nandos laughed when I pretended to be a difficult customer.

#positivethoughts #family #letitgo #dude

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Happy Anniversary

14 years since we got married and I have to say it’s the easiest 14 years I could ever have imagined, we’re just made for each other even the tough times aren’t that tough with Jamie by my side.

Cheeky Nandos for tea was just what the doctor ordered great family night out with longest game of UNO ever

Happy anniversary Dude!

Always & forever side by side!
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Changing my route

Rowt or Route? This morning I tried to make todays change early by walking in a different direction, I am going to walk it doesn’t matter where so I did the old Poppity Johns and canal home. Did it bring me joy, it was a good walk and Billy was excellent, but as soon as I sat down to work I’d forgotten the hour beforehand.

After dropping Reagan off at her horseriding lesson this evening, instead of coming home, I walked around Shaking the Mirror twice before going back and watching her ride for half an hour. This did bring me joy. It is so great to see my daughter riding with confidence even while the teacher points out her faults.

That was as interesting to me, as seeing her ride really well, she can take criticism without argument, I guess, it is just a right of passage to make your parents believe they have failed you. I can not even dream of being anywhere near as great a parent as Jamie but it is frustrating that her reaction to any form of criticism makes me feel so bad that I just give up pointing it out.

Watching her ride was a great tonic though I wish the hay and dust didn’t affect me so much I would like to watch her more.

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Groomed

Today was a struggle I layed in, we walked, we shopped, I lazed then took Billy but did I find joy? Tonight I spent half an hour grooming from top to bottom all unnecessary hair removed followed by a shower and some aftershave and deodorant. I felt good afterwards and I felt joy, it made me feel good and relaxed a little?

“That’s as good as I get, dude!”

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Finding Joy

Jamie said to me this morning “you have to find joy because work is not your life!” and it made me realise that I really have forgotten what brings me joy?

What I hadn’t realised was how much being appreciated for doing a good job at work is important to me. That should not matter but going to work is such a big part of life and I always try to do my best but right now no matter what I do it’s wrong and no matter who I tell they go and “have a meeting” and get back to me?

I went for a walk tonight to give me time alone to think and I quickly realised I could think of lots of things that are wrong with my life right now but struggled to come up with many things that are right, a reflection of how I feel just now.

Walking with Billy brings me joy, Jamie brings me joy, the children bring me joy, music and woodworking bring me joy, a hot bath brings me joy but it can be very difficult feel that joy in any of it when I feel like this.

I know these feelings are temporary and tomorrow or next week I will feel ok again I just want to make them all smile but how can I do that, if I can’t smile myself!

I will try to change something everyday and seek my joy that’s a promise to myself!

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Home again

We just sat and watched TV I put an American comedienne on called Karen Morgan and she was funny and after BBC4 had a Queen night I watched Jamie looked at her phone and occasionally looked at the TV and slept for a while.

She’d been in London since Thursday afternoon and I went to pick her up tonight from Crewe station while Reagan and Lincoln ate their tea, after arriving home got a hug from both they went back to doing their own thing she took a bath, came back down and she was home.

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Pressure and Stress?

I am not so sure feeling crushed under the pressures of life is exactly what is going on but it does feel like it, my chest feels tight all the time and a lot of that at the moment is coming from work and I know that’s stupid but I actually care what happens and want it to work. My car being broken does not help and the unknown cost of repairing it and add on to that all the little things life generally throws at me and I am unable process it all.

It all gets stuck and fogs my brain nothing in nothing out my family think it’s them but it’s me I don’t go anywhere or see anyone else and I live in the same house I can’t escape there’s nowhere to go while I process everything. I forget stuff, literally have no recollection of doing things at work, I go to do a job and realise I already did it, it’s so weird? I know this feeling is temporary but in the middle of it the eye of the storm chaos surrounds me but I’m OK if I stay still and quiet no-one will notice me and I can sort this shit out.

I’m just tired of feeling like this…

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Work worries

Both Jamie and me seem to be suffering from work overload just now, I can only speak for myself, I am swamped with work at the moment which generally is fine but the thing that makes my work feel like it’s too much is that, I know it could be done in a way that would take all the pressure off but no-one seems to listen?

A suggestion last week and a verbal agreement that it was the obvious and best way forward stalled, if it isn’t vitoed completely, because they just make it too complicated. They’d rather not do it than make any sort of compromise or maybe like they normally do just refuse to admit I am right?

I lost it in a meeting this morning telling them that I was not prepared to carry on working out of hours, when I was told that we need to carry on testing alternatives because my idea might not be possible.

I can’t keep bending over backwards trying to make things work and making as little impact on daily routines and getting nothing back. I just feel like giving up and letting them get on with it themselves because my box of fucks is empty and I am unable to give any more!

So I will go to work on Friday to test the old kit to see if it will work with the new software, wasting a day whether it works or not because either way it will make the next couple of months so difficult, and that just makes me feel so frustrated.

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465 & out

I would have liked to have carried my bat but at the crease, it takes unbelievable concentration to bat for so long and I have let other thoughts creep in over the last few weeks and tonight I was clean-bowled, furniture rearranged, mopped up, sent back to the pavilion. Looking back won’t change the fact that the middle stump is missing and the bails are flashing away by my feet…

My disappointment is immense and many thoughts have crossed my mind of failure and self-loathing, an overwhelming feeling of letting people down not least myself but I also feel a little bit glad it’s over like a weight has been lifted.

Proving to myself that I could walk away was what it was about 13th November 2021 and I did, when no-one thought I could or would, and it was great to achieve that, but it’s become boring it has started to feel like everyone else was enjoying themselves and I was convincing myself I was too?

Maybe I was but surely worrying about it is not living, it’s not being free of thought, and it was never about starting a sober revolution I am not strong enough to lead anything let alone a lifestyle anti to the first 51 years of my life!

So 465 days ago I walked to the crease and tonight I head to the pavilion bat raised having over-achieved in my eyes and I am sure surprised many along the way but until the next time….

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