Jamie asked me that very question today as though she didn’t know the answer?

She is the reason I am happy!

Off to Leighton at 7am, to beat the early morning rush hour traffic, I hugged a hungry Reagan and told her I loved her and watched her and Mommy drive away. Her appointment was 8am and they were worried about getting stuck in traffic so when I got a text at 7:20 it made me smile, well they sure did beat that traffic lol

Reagan was shown to the ward and put at ease before being given premeds which gave her the giggles when they started taking effect. This was a blessing because there were some tears and any stress could have turned her mood very quickly. Once they were happy that she she was happily dosed up Mommy kissed her as she was wheeled of to theatre.

A coffee and a call to me, later an hour had passed and Mommy was sat with a VERY groggy little girl who was minus 4 teeth after a text book op. Mommy said from sleepy grogginess to sat up in bed eating a butty was quite sudden after about after the op and then she recovered enough to be released and was home before 2pm.

She was so brave and I am very proud of how she coped today nd although we are not out of the woods yet she has gone to bed and hopefully gets great night’s sleep.

After finishing work at 5pm I went to the kitchen to make burgers, a request from Reagan as her “last meal” before fasting for her surgery scheduled for tomorrow. As I walked through the living room Lincoln started talking and just didn’t stop for the next 15 minutes, I didn’t want to extinguish his enthusiasm about the story his teacher has been reading to his class for the last few weeks but he told me in every detail about the story so far… Sometimes you need time to decompress after work and adjust to normality, and that can only take a couple of minutes but trying to cook being talked at, having to clean the kitchen to even start cooking Reagan didn’t even speak to me this morning Mommy came in and told me about her day Lincoln went off to play on his video game Jamie went and sat down

I downed tools and took Billy I just needed that couple of minutes…

Reagan managed to speak to me when I eventually cooked tea but it is never me she needs it’s Mommy and tomorrow they will go to Leighton and she will have her teeth removed Mommy will be with her maybe I will be needed maybe not but I will be waiting worrying

Being me can be a struggle I know my family need me but my head needs to be right, if it is I am indestructible but less that 100% and my mind has too much to do?

Tomorrow is already on my mind I am worried about my little girl and just want her to be ok I also know everything will be OK and I will just have to wait for them to come home!

I felt so good tonight from the time I got to the Legion and had my first pint of Guinness for over a year to now sitting here writing this blog. I have been chatting with me mates making them laugh joking around just riding that perfect time when you drink, not sober and not drunk just in the moment and that sweet spot has remained all night.

I won at pool, with a bit of good fortune and the team won too it was just a great night, I just wish I could feel like this all the time!

Tomorrow it will be about Reagan and getting her prepared for Friday’s surgery, we’ll all go to work or school and carry on as normal but for now, I feel really happy, tonight was a good night!

My life is so boring when I read back what I write every day, today I spent the whole day in a training session at work but luckily had a hospital appointment halfway through which broke the monotony.

It should be daunting to go and have my armpit scanned for lumps that could kill me but the thought of sitting in a classroom environment all day made Leighton Hospital sound like a bit of a break lol.

The family went off to the gym leaving me to laze in the bath, which was great…the bath bit I mean, not them all going to the gym and leaving me in the house alone all peaceful quiet that bit was horrible obviously!

I lay thinking about how nice it is to relax and forget the days toils and troubles and how nice it would be to not care about work health or family but my intense caring for my family fuels my need to be healthy and be aware of changes like lumps…

My family are my reason to get out of bed every morning, oh and Billy obvs, and being healthy to enjoy them for as long as possible. My most important thing to learn is how not to care so much about work and how to switch off when not working and just say…

…but that’s difficult.

23 days until I intend to totally switch off for a couple of weeks!

With only 22 days before we leave for America both children are getting sooo excited, Reagan wants a suitcase so she can start packing, while Lincoln is trying to get his head around time differences.

Both of them are now focused on America Mommy has started finalising stuff like a rental car and a hotel for the first nights so we’re not sleeping on Grandma’s floor for 2 days

My car finally passed its MOT today £700+ later and even though its annoying to have to shell out so much hopefully that will be it for a while now?

Work’s annoying still ?

I have become to realise that I find the most joy when I have Jamie alone, to myself and we spend time together. She is the biggest reason that I smile every day, but she is so much to so many other people it seems so selfish to need her company so badly. She is a Mommy first and foremost I accept that above all else and that’s how it has to be but all the rest of her unbelievably full life I cherish every opportunity I can have her for myself.

Today we left Reagan and Lincoln at home while we went for a walk up the canal and back along Poppity Johns then turned away from home to go to Starbi’s and have a coffee together. Lincoln left for the park just after we arrived home and we dropped Reagan at her mate’s on the way to Northwich. We needed to drop my car off at Arnold Sharks for an MOT tomorrow, we washed both cars on the way and we went to Tesco & Aldi to do a big shop on the way home.

Jamie told me it is great that I come grocery shopping with her it can’t be fun, but little does she know how much pleasure I get from doing anything with her if it’s just us…

Its a question that keeps on being asked at the moment because Jamie has booked for us all to go to see her mum at Easter which means we all fly to America in 24 days. I am excited to spend my birthday on the same continent as my mother-in-law, something I have always said was an ambition, and I think that is what I am most excited about.

It is going to be the trip of a lifetime for Reagan and Lincoln I can not imagine how exciting it is for them to fly to America, to experience it all at an age when the world is still wonderful and when Mommy and Grandma can make the two weeks everything they would want it to be. There is a plan to spend 3 days in Breckenridge Ski Resort where there will be more snow than they’ve ever seen, and tubing down it all sounds very exciting to both of them.

Mommy can’t wait to just be with her Mommy for two weeks so I am sure that is what she is most excited about…

As chaos reigned at Middlewich High Reagan felt unsafe so text her Mom to say some pupils were protesting the toilets being locked all day so pupils are unable to use them, something we as parents do not agree with and the school have been told about but they had taken this decision to stop unruly behaviour.

The thought of Reagan being frightened in school as students ran amok making so much mess the school had to call the police to regain order was too much for a Mommy from a country where active shooters kill children, they risk their lives daily just to go to school. Mommy became very emotional and contacted the school to get some assurances that no pupils were in danger. Reagan along with everyone else were finally evacuated when one of the protesters set off the fire alarm.

Lincoln went to his first net practice of the year but this time we decided to try Sandbach Cricket Club to see if they were better than Middlewich.I have to say my initial thoughts are yes for a couple of reasons the first is the organisation was really great and the coaching was really great too, just the fact that he should take guard with bat raised and close to his body was so good to hear.

We couldn’t stay to watch because there is no gallery so we went to DV8 in Sandbach for a drink, which was nice and made us look forward to next week and another little date night maybe?

As we walked to Youthie tonight Lincoln said to me “You’re happy today Daddy, you’re going to be happy tomorrow and the next day and the next and the next, I’m glad you’re happy again!”

We chatted all the way to Market Field and off he went into the Wych Centre leaving me to walk home with my thoughts…he is so thoughtful and empathic not just with me but in general and it would destroy me if I made him unhappy or anyone else. My family are the reason I get out of bed every morning I feel ashamed that my mood affects everyone, especially the children and I know if I could change the way I feel sometimes I absolutely would!

I feel ok again now better than yesterday and embarrassed that this happens at all! I just want Lincoln to be right, and just be happy tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day and….