Disappointed

I never think of myself as a good parent and feel like I am winging it every day taking most of my leads from Jamie and I just hope I am doing it right, most of the time?

Today, Jamie sent me some ‘disappointing’ revelations that Lincoln had called Reagan names and wished she didn’t exist when she confronted him about him being upset when he was gaming. He does spend a lot of time gaming which I know can upset him but I have always thought I have nipped in bud, but I get lazy letting him just game.

What I won’t allow is either of my children upsetting or worse bullying the other but what Jamie told me just disappointed me. Lincoln is a lovely lad but he is also a 12 year old boy trying to survive High School and becoming accepted which is tough but we have to be “the fabulous 4” and stick up for one another no matter what!

As he arrived home from school, I told him I wanted to talk to him and he walked into the Shoffice and sat a bottle of Dr Pepper and a sweet stick(?) saying I k ow what you want to talk about and they are presents to say I am sorry! This meant everything Mommy had sent me was not only true but he was admitting to it too!

I sat and told Lincoln how utterly disappointed I was with him, because I KNOW he hates letting me down and as I stressed how family is everything and the need for our home to be our safe place not a place where we could be victimised.

He sat in the big chair tears running down his face but I had to make my point and make sure he knew it was something I would not tolerate!

His punishment was no electronics but Mommy and me thought that was not the only thing that was needed because he could be struggling from Mommy being absent and I immediately thought his punishment should be no electronics but spend time with me (possibly the worst?)

We mowed the lawns, walked the dog, we went Lidl and bought vegetables. I let Lincoln cook and afterwards we played cards together I was never after destroying hmm but aware that it may just be the fact that he misses his mom too?

We played cards and had a video chat with mom before he went to bed which I hope helped

I am not enough, it’s clear!

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Fabulous 4 minus 1 (pt1)

I couldn’t imagine doing this without Jamie, if I didn’t know, she’d be back in a couple of weeks, because we are such a great team. It’s not hard when we’re together (most of the time)

I’m not a good parent I tend to reactive rather than be proactive so without Mommy ‘guiding’ me I do a lot of reacting

You can do it alone but why make it hard? Teamwork maketh the dream work?

Reagan loves stepping in as Mom and home maker but only if it fits with her minds image of the above. She is very muck like me, I love surprising wowing doing the special. She doesn’t have to do the rest of life she can be a 13year old when she’s had enough of the above.

Lincoln lives in the now, and it is important to him to fit in be a ‘good’ boy. He doesn’t like letting me down and will do anything to please me but doesn’t generally do it without direction or being asked. He is always in the moment and has very little concept of planning, and that also is so much like me.

They are both brilliant in their own way at making surviving Mommy not being here they both cope with it in their own way.

It’s only been a few days yet and things may change….?

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Sunday

I will admit at 21 – 7 down I lost faith (a bit ?) but enjoyed the Broncos comeback agaiinst Chicago, especially because Reagan sat with me and was interested in what was going on! A wins a win 1 – 3 is better than 0 – 4 we can beat the Jets and build some confidence but after that things get tough (but not impossible ?) I will be watching and cheering no matter what! #DENvsCHI Denver Broncos #DB4L #NFL and most of all #GoBroncos

Seminal moment this afternoon after spending a few hours making the beading for me windows I sat watching the London game in Jamie’s office and in slicked Lincoln and a tearful Reagan. It quickly became apparent that Lincoln had been designated the spokesperson as he opened his hand to reveal what looked like some gravel and Reagan offered the bottom part of an ornament, he sheepishly explained that they were playing VR and Reagan knocked Mommy’s ornament off the mantlepiece, smashing it smithereens.

I knew they had been scared to come and tell me about what happened but it was an accident and me shouting would not put it back together I was glad they had the balls to admit it and face up. Reagan was distraught that it was broken but I just said it does not matter go throw all the bits into the bin and forget about it…

They fessed up that was the main thing, I know Mommy maybe disappointed, but telling the truth is always the most important and “things” can be replaced!

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Jamie’s walk

Leaving Lincoln to spend the morning at home my morning was all about taking Reagan to her riding lesson but with the intention of taking Billy on Mommy’s walk down Sandy Lane in Alostock. So after dropping her off I parked up in the same place as lat week and walked into the woods but decided to take the main path instead of forking left. I walked all the way to the M6 where I could see Shaking the Mirror on the other side and knew if I turned left along it and this beautiful lake that had appeared on my left a while back, I should be heading in the right direction to get back to the car.

If I am honest I had no idea where I was nor if I was supposed to be there passing lots of fisherman and signs stating this is Private Fishing but also seeing a couple of public footpath signs too so I cracked on. I got to the far end of Lake and was not confident I could get back to the car in time to pick Reagan up on time but thought I could always just sit tight I will be ghere soon. It was a lovely walk and it felt great to be out so I did not rush just carried on.

Literally 5 minutes after the above thought the path brought me out where we stood last week to throw a ball for Billy which I did again because I now knew we were 5 minutes away from the fork in the pathway, and had plenty of time to get back to pick Reagan up!

A place I have never visited until last week it is now a place I can’t wait to take Billy and walk again, we’ll done dude a great find!

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How I feel

I am not sure many people know how much I love just being in Jamie’s company, it is what I live for! I never thought I could live with my best friend, so to think I could spend the rest of my life enjoying that, it is just ace, I just thought I could not be that lucky?

Jamie is a shining light, my shining light, and I have to let her go, if it’s Spain, if it’s London and especially if it’s home because it will make her happier stronger more contented and its the least I could do encourage trips home considering she gave that all up to come live with me.

I love seeing the photos she sends me with the biggest smile enjoying spending time with her family and friends and the fact that we can video chat does keep us, as in touch as we can be with 4500 miles between us.

Perfect
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Home is where the heart is!

Let me make this clear, I love my mother-in-law because she gave me Jamie forever, with just one piece of advice “you (Jamie) can always come home” that was said when Jamie was heading towards the unknown, today I love Pam more if that’s possible, but today I have had to spend the day watching Jamie go ‘home’ on a flight tracker app and although it’s probably Jamie’s money that has facilitated me saying this, “It’s true you can always go home!”

It’s been tough to get her ‘home’ financially because we have spent the last 15 years starting and bringing up our family but I would have sold a finger to get her home if there was ever an emergency.

Pam said on Facebook (as a joke) I am getting her (Jamie) back and I am not letting her return unless I pay a RANSOM! This never even bothered me, even if she meant it, because I am sat here with Reagan and Lincoln. Her Momma will always be her Momma and a burning love will always burn in her heart but Jamie’s heart is now sat with me and I know she would sell a finger to get home NO MATTER WHAT!

Home is where the heart is and as I write this Mommy has just arrived at DIA and is waiting to be embraced by her Mom and I wish I could be there to see both of their faces!

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To miss or not…

As I dropped Jamie off at Crewe train station it just felt the same as it usually feels, won’t be long before we see her again but we kissed and said see you a couple of weeks…woah. As I drove away it still didn’t feel any different even after saying those words, maybe because she was going to London first before boarding a plane from Heathrow tomorrow. The day was the same as it always is when she works down south for a couple days

Reagan had VERY thoughtfully had put together a beautiful care package wrapped up in a gift bag containing everything Mommy would need for a long flight and when I got home Reagan walked into the kitchen and saw her gift sitting on the counter she looked at me in astonishment which quickly turned to crushing disappointment and she welled up…

As I walked along the towpath I remebered Mommy was meeting Sally in London later and to cut a long story short Sally was not leaving her house until 8am and it was still only 07:40 so we hatched a plan between Mommy Sally and me for Sal to take the bag to mommy so i took the bag to Sally’s house and the crisis was averted. Reagan is amazing and I ould move heaven and earth to make her happy and Mommy did not forget the bag on purpose was upset too and I know she apprecieted me doing basically what i live for!

Lincoln didn’t even get up to say goodbye, he is so “in the moment” that he will not realise he misses his momma until he misses his momma. He loves her more than anyone (maybe not me but if he does he loves her ALOT!!!) but he is in the moment he does not miss her yet , so he slept!

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Unnecessary Guilt

I get it. Mommy feels guilt about leaving for two weeks the night before she leaves, it sounded so decadent and exciting when we decided it was doable to go to Ian and Jim’s wedding. A few mo ths ago we looked at the cost of getting Jamie to America and the cost was the same if the went for a weekend or a month if she stayed with her Mom and worked while she was there. Altering her work day for the time she is there means she can start work at 06:45 American time and be finished by 1pm meaning she can talk to Reagan and Lincoln after work which is bedtime UK time and then the rest of the day she can spend with her Mom.

Although the reason for the trip is the wedding we have talked extensively about if this working holiday works it means the possibility of the kids going for an extended summer break because Jamie can work and not need lots of holidays from work!

She is also flying from Heathrow, tagging on a days work in London meaning they pay for the train journey and hotel but also the flight is direct so she will leave at 11am and arrive at 2pm in Denver a luxury we have never experienced so that will be interesting to hear about?

There is nothing to be guilty about, she gets to spend time with her mom friends and family which I believe will revitalise her and prove that getting “home” regularly is possible.

We will miss her but we also survive k owing she is happy and we will get her back in a couple of weeks…

holiday

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Realisation

I think it only just dawned on Jamie that she leaves us in two days time and going to America and that is pretty bit daunting even though its been planned for months. She knows we will be ok but we know it always works better when she is here.

She has just realised she needs to pack yet she’s been telling us what she will be doing on Thursday night and Friday night and the meals her Momma has planned for her too. She will get packing and logistics sorted over the next 24 hours and it will all work out but shit just got real in her head.

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If you talk say something?

After struggling to sleep after nodding of during the family film last night and annoyingly dreaming about the mistake setting the hinges on my shed, something I don’t have control over…the dreaming bit not the mistake bit! Anyway I knew I would not be able to go look at it again until I had spent the morning at church with Mommy and the children.

Church doesn’t do a lot for me at the best of times and I know that saddens Mommy but I do try to respect my families commitment to their faith and this morning was where I felt I had to attend. There was a youth pastor called Zeik who the children really enjoyed listening to at DTI earlier this year and wanted me to experience his preaching, and I have to say he had a lot to say and said it in an interesting way that even I enjoyed.

MCCs resident pastor spoke for over half an hour, probably nearer 45 minutes if you add it all up and said nothing literally nothing? He seems to do this every time I listen to him? There may be a message in there, but the waffle shuts you down, and I am just left “praying” (if you will excuse the pun) that he just shuts up and I can go home!

I reckon I could tell you over 50% of what the guest pasternak said but could not tell you anything other than ‘Amen’ what was said by the resident pastor said! Worse still, both Reagan and Lincoln remained in the service and heard speculation that without prayer, armageddon could befall the whole country similar to the Old Testament which I really object to in any forum especially when my children are listening!

This type of drivel is why I no longer watch the news preferring to live my life without that type of scaremongering I didn’t like being subjected to that this morning, but with Mommy leaving first thing Wednesday it was nice to decompress over Sunday lunch at the Kinderton while the children had pizza at church.

A little date with my wife always makes me and I believe her feel great so with the impending absence it was nice to spend an hour together was REALLY nice and fill me belly to boot.

I love her so much but know this trip is going to make her life so much more fulfilled and confident that her life in the UK can be so much more….

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