2022

Dawning of a new era

Nothing has changed, the day after the day before, I have to say I am now in the habit of not drinking every day, which is so wierd to think that this habit is as hard to break as the one a year ago?

I’ve joked for a while that my jump from the wagon would be immense, epic in all proportions but I knew like every other time I’ve stopped drinking that breaking the run is almost as difficult because I like streaks…an this one is a big one

It is always tough to reach the summit because the only way from there is down, but you can stand there and look around for a bit which is what I intend to do knowing there are no rules anymore it up to me how long I am up there for!

D-day + 1

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I did it, one year sober

Last year on 12th November I sat on the sofa after another particularly heavy drinking session and I looked at Jamie and told her I was thinking about giving up drinking for a while…? To actually say those words out loud had been worrying me for ages because it felt like I was admitting something, admitting there was a problem, admitting that I thought there was a problem and I didn’t want to say them if I wasn’t ready but the moment had arrived.  

This was the moment and there was only one person in the world I would trust with those words and to handle them as I wanted them to be handled, confidentially and without judgement. She said that she thought it was a good idea and if that’s what I wanted to do, she would back me all the way. She was surprised when I said I wanted to give up for one year, to go a whole year without drinking, without touching a single drop of alcohol, just to prove to myself that I can do it and that I do not need to drink.  

It was actually a frightening thought because my whole adult life, every great time I have ever had, was accompanied by alcohol, every single one? Every special occasion, everything I have ever done, I always had a drink in my hand, the good bits, the bad bits, the mundane were all washed down with a drink. It has enhanced many occasions but more often than not it resulted in drinking too much and either ruining the day or not being able to remember the day anyway, whether it was great or not. Drinking had become a daily habit though and that was when I started to think I need to change because it was no longer just social drinking!  

My first drinking thoughts of the day could be in the afternoon before I got home, just looking forward to it looking forward to that first one. Then along came COVID and lockdown when I could start drinking as soon as I finished work, there was no commute no down time between finishing work and my first glass of wine, I would start drinking at 5 o’clock while making tea, but that meant I had finished a bottle of wine by the time we’d washed up and it was only 7pm, so most nights a couple of bottles of wine were the order of the day, but why stop drinking at 9pm when the second bottle was empty, I didn’t have to drive to work might as well open another bottle…and wake up on the sofa at 2am and crawl into bed. 

So I embarked on this daunting journey of complete sobriety, to abstain for a whole year to test myself to see if it was me in control or the drink, but most of all to find out who I was without alcohol, because I honestly didn’t know? I once did dry January but there is so much pressure at midnight on December 31st when the party is in full swing to just stop… for a month… I did it but vowed never to do that again. I have stopped for shorter periods when I fancied a rest from it and the only person that noticed was Jamie but she just left me to it and thought if I wanted to discuss it I would. 

The 13th November 2021 was just another day, no pressure, no significance just my decision, my moment. 

It was ok the first few days but it starter to get harder when the pinch points came like finishing work and making tea which I needed fizzy water to get me past through that pressure point but over time my body started to just accept that I was not drinking anymore and by 7pm I was fine just get a glass of water if I was thirsty but more often than not I didn’t drink anything before going to bed.  

Thanksgiving was my first real test because, this was always a boozy affair, the not drinking was fine but I was not ready to admit to anyone else I was trying to stay sober for a year so I said I would taxi everyone this year, which meant not drinking was easy. We went to the pub, I went to play pool, we had meals out, I drove every time and drank sparkling water knowing both combined meant I avoided suspicion and any awkward questions. By the time Christmas came I was used to not having a drink even though I still thought about it a lot, those thoughts were diminishing by Christmas day I was prepared to drive taxiing me mum, when Jamie dropped the C-bomb on Christmas eve, she’d tested positive for the ‘rona. That meant isolating for the whole festive period, so sober under the radar was easy, and so the new year came and went and I was finding it easier every day Jamie’s birthday, my birthday, summer, it all started to become just life. I had a project that kept my hands busy, which was my Shed and the cash I would have spent on alcohol was thrown at that which was a win win! 

Since last year I have done many many things that would have always involved alcohol and passed the test every time, and reached this point with the mindset that I do not even want to start again particularly maybe ever but I don’t want to say that and bring pressure on myself, because I do not think I am ready, I think that is too much.

Am I going to have a drink on 13th November 2022? No, is the answer I won’t be having a drink because the year expires I am in no rush to dive back in, but I can I am allowed because I have done what I set out to do. I feel good and I am proud of myself that I did it because I doubted I could do it. So let’s see what the future brings. 

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Vapour barrier

Today woke up in a great mood, Saturday and my plan was to potter and I like pottering so with Mommy at fat club followed by breakfast with Women of Worth at church I thought I would get a load of washing in so that uniforms were done first:

“Lincoln, are your dirty clothes in the basket?”

“Yep” came the reply as I sorted clothes out to wash and shouted down to Reagan the same question, knowing Mommy had specifically asked her before she left to do it but I could not see any skirts etc in the basket!

“Not sure” was her reply but remained on the couch…?

“Can you get them for me so that I can wash them,?” I added as I separated a load and walked downstairs and passed her just getting up probably because she heard me coming?

She appeared a short while later clutching her uniforms as I was putting my boots on to take Billy for a walk “Just put them in the basket I will put them in next load!” and she went off towards the living room and I although it had annoyed me, it’s Saturday and me moaning would achieve nothing and I was looking g forward to getting out into the November sunshine …

“You could have waited two minutes!” came the chide as she left the room, and just like that my day was ruined as I stood there pointing and shouting!

As I walked Billy, had breakfast, ripped down 8 x 4 sheets, installed a vapour barrier and fitted one of the sheets to the roof of my shed I was pissed off that I know I would have let it slide but that was never going to happen because it was not what she wanted to do!

Mommy took her to horseriding and I washed 3 loads of washing and cleaned the kitchen which included clearing Reagans breakfast stuff away throwing egg shell in the recycling cheese wrapper in the bin, probably didn’t fancy doing that instead preferring to clean her room because that benefits her?

I wonder if, tonight, I can sit and relax read some and watch a bit of TV and forget this morning happened?

Watch this space I guess!

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I’m a celebrity

Always one of those things we look forward to watching at this time of year, I’m a celebrity, get me out of here started last weekend and tonight was the eating challenge and it was ni e to sit and watch as a family!

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The cost of wood is rising

In July I sort of realised that trying to avoid a delivery charge for framing would was going to cost me way more when I loaded Jamie’s car with 13 lengths of 2 x 3s and cracked the windscreen. I immediately promised to sort it out and got on the phone to Autoglass and they sorted it.

Little did I know that four months later it would still be causing her a problem because Autoglass had made a mistake fitting the new screen resulting in the passenger side footwell filling with water everytime it rained. We had a really great summer so until now w she’d not noticed but we have had torrential downpours and the water literally sloshed around it was that deep.

Now, Jamie has fallen out of love with her car and I think it’s because of the leak or certainly that is a contributing factor….? Now, she does not need much of an excuse to look at new cars and this was perfect opportunity.

Suddenly the Ford Kuga became the right car which she had never really done before when she had casually looked at cars so now she had the model now she was in the market for her next whip… and she LOVES looking at cars. Since the decision was made to buy a new car we have looked and driven a couple she’s put a deposit down on one and retracted it, ask a salesman to look out for one and given up on getting o e for the right price this side of Christmas only for the guy to find what looks like the perfect car at the right price.

Now as I write this post she is laying next to me studying the 2018 Ford Kuga Titanium X the car she will probably buy next week when it arrives at Cliffe Dickinsons

I’m glad she is rewarding herself for all her hardwork but I can’t help thinking also that £17,995 for wood is a tad excessive?

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A little girl lost

I was asked to read “a brain dump” when I returned from playing pool tonight, I didn’t know what that meant but Jamie handed me the laptop  she was holding and went to make a brew.

The story was about a man and a woman who met fell in love married and had a daughter but when the dream died the little girl was forgotten about while the adults rebuilt their lives. The sad thing was by the time they sorted themselves out the little girl was now bottom of their pecking orders and felt lost….

It took years for that girl to rise to the top where she belongs but the little girl needs to come out to be heard and the story of why it took her so long to realise her potential and I hope Jamie allows her to tell that story!

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Elephant in the room

I knew today was coming but until Jamie asked me to accompany her to Leighton for her appointment it was something I worried about without being able to tell anyone.

It’s embarrassing to admit I was worrying when I was not the one who was ill I was not the one who had looked up my family medical records to find on her father’s side most if not all had been at least diagnosed with the illness and most had died from it. It was even more embarrassing that I was worrying about how I wouldn’t be able to cope if the worst happened, how fucking selfish does that sound!

We never really talked about the possible out comes we just sort of accepted this appointment was going to happen and we would now face it together.

The trip to the hospital brought out the anger I was feeling about the fact we didn’t deserve to have to go through this and I shouted a lot at closed roads and stupid people but it was just my way of coping I know it didn’t help Jamie. We parked up and went in and after going to the wrong window we sat in the waiting area and the TV show Lorraine discussing statistics about why we were sat there didn’t help…?

Jamie was called in and asked to strip to the waist and the consultant surgeon came in and questioned her for a couple of minutes before examining her a quickly informing her that, in her opinion, there is nothing to be concerned about but will send Jamie for a mammogram because of her disclosed medical history just to be sure.

…and that was it, she dressed and we we wandered down to the clinic where she was scanned and barring a little “Oh?” from the consultant followed by a “No, that’s fine” FFS mate keep that shit to yourself!

…and again she was told everything was fine, come back in twelve months and have a nice day!

We walked back to the car holding hands and not really knowing what to say really but in my heart I was so relieved and I know Jamie was very relieved but the drive home again we never really discussed it?

I know someone who was there today probably got life changing news today and I hope they get through to the other side of their diagnosis and are able to beat it but it wasn’t Jamie and I am truly grateful for that because I love her so much and I never want this to end!

Note: To all those suffering I wish you all the luck in the world and that you get healthy again!

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Sunday morning oldies

I am not sure there’s anything better than waking up every morning next to Jamie, until we get to Sunday and then I realise lazing in bed till 10 with a brew reading and the whole experience just gets better because we don’t have do any “adulting” today.

So as we lay there reading and sipping our brews there was a knock on the bedroom door

It was Reagan: “Can I come in?” and as she poked her head around the door and walked in she laughed and said “Look at you pair of oldies!”

HOW VERY DARE SHE?

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When one door opens

I finally managed to finish the door of my shed and I am very pleased with it, and I have learned a lot a lot along the way, which is exactly what I want to do.

When I began to build it I wanted my door to have a reassuring “thud” when it shuts and I can confirm I definitely achieved that. It feels solid and is pretty much how I wanted it to be, even though I did make a couple of mistakes along the way, one of the main ones was putting screws in the way of the multi point lock I wanted to use. That needed planning before I built it but that would have meant buying all the materials because I need to see thing so I can see how they all would fit together.

Anyway the lock I chose was a code lock because the electronic ones were just a little too expensive to justify, that’s not to say I could change it for one in the future? Even fitting this lock meant cutting out 3 screws that were in the way and blunting my chisels finding them. I managed to get it fitted maybe not as neatly as I would have liked just providing that my carpentry skills are not yet any where near good enough for intricate stuff but when my shed is finished my dream is to learn techniques to make better at “intricate” or “accurate” even!

Glad that I have completed it though because I now have a lockable shed…on to the next job!

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The Del Greening story

A while ago I pre paid for a copy of the Del Greening autobiography and because I did I was “honoured” with a mention on page 324 as part of the Literary Cringe Club.

As I have said on many occasions Peter and the Test Tube Babies are my favourite band and Del is guitarist a founder member so I have been looking forward to reading his story and finding out a lot more about the band too.

When I showed the kids my name in the book they were really impressed although they had no idea why I was in there, and I didn’t give them any clue either I just left them with the fact I am mentioned in a proper book….

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