2022
So picture the scene an angry swan, a crying boy, a ball on the canal, a barking dog and did I mention a lovely night for a walk?
As we watched helplessly as Lincolns football floated off, the angry swan attacked the ball flicking it towards the bank, as I grabbed the ball the swan attacked the dog…and we all went home and had tea (not the swan!)
You’ll have to picture the scene because Mommy just stood there catching flies instead of filming it ?
When I am raging mad spit comes out of my mouth, I wish it was fire because that’s what should be coming out. This morning for the millionth time I asked Reagan to do something and yet against gave me attitude and told me “I will” but added that she was doing something at that particular moment. I had asked her last night to pick all her clothes up and put dirty ones in the basket and put clean ones away so when I got the same reply, with attitude, this morning I told her in no uncertain terms not to speak to me like that I didn’t get mad although I was angry I just left it with a stern talking to.
Having collected all the washing left in the basket to wash I noted non of it was Reagan’s school uniform so when she came down for breakfast I told her that I’d not seen any of her uniform, and Mommy added you need to go and get it so that it can be washed! Queue Reagan’s stock reply
“I am making toast I will do it later!”
“I’ll put your toast in, you go get your stuff” Mommy offered.
“Fine” Came Reagan’s reply with a cupboard door slam and a stomp out of the kitchen
2 minutes later she was sobbing I had lost my voice and Mommy had no idea what side to take, knowing I had gone to the extreme in laying down the law and knowing Reagan was upstairs frightened to come down.
She did come down when Mommy told her to and I calmly explained how I sorry for frightening her but I only got like that because for weeks of repeatedly asking her to do mundane things, receiving promises (with attitude) that the things will be done and them not being done I have reached the end of my tether with her. I asked her if the next time I ask her to do something would she just do it without attitude and we’ll be fine.
She didn’t reply, so I went for a walk…
I talk a lot in my blog about wanting my children to be the best they can be and that is important to me but it starts at home and Reagan is very lazy and thinks the world revolves around her and she needs to know that it doesn’t but, if you give more than you take it can feel like the it does because you have earned it. I love her to bits but at the moment that is not easy to do!
I am not proud of who I become when I get mad and it doesn’t happen often but when it does you should know it’s taken a lot to get me there….Reagan!
Reagan came home and said “Lincolns crying, he’s damaged a parked car on the other side of the bridge and they won’t let him go!”
Well let me try to describe the next two minutes Mommy dashed upstairs and changed out of casual clothes she’d been wearing laying in the sun, into t-shirt jeans and trainers and as she left the house said to me are you coming or what? Of course I was and we marched down the road to find our son.
We found him with a couple we knew next to the car he had accidentally hit riding his bike and when trying to get onto the pavement he’d misjudged it. He’d hurt his wrist which was our main concern but luckily it wasn’t too bad so we took a couple of photos of the damage, so no- one can do more damage and blame us, and we left. We pushed his bicycle and we did we looked at each other and Jamie said “that wasn’t how I saw it going” and I replied “no I thought I was going to have to kill someone lol” “I know I put tennies on because I thought I was going to fight someone!”
In my head I saw the owner of the car holding onto Lincoln, having hurt him for damaging his car and both me and Mommy subsequently being arrested having shown the gentleman the error of his ways, shall we say?
The owner of the car had gone on holiday this morning so we deal with it when she comes home having posted our name and address through there letterbox
Lincoln is fine which is the main thing although a little shook up, he was most scared that we’d be mad!
182 days ago I sat with Jamie I was drunk and I had been drinking regularly for years and I had reached a point where I wanted to take control of it. COVID and lockdown hadn’t helped but it was just an excuse to drink every single day, I had been doing that, way before March 2020. I had been contemplating stopping drinking for a while but the hardest thing to do is break the habit, to just not drink for a day but with intention of not drinking again for a while, it’s frightening. After all I actually like drinking I like the way it makes me feel, I have had some great times drinking…
So 182 days ago I said I wanted to give up drinking for a year to see if I could, and see how it made me feel? I have succeeded so far but there are 182 more days to go, so this is only the halfway point.
I feel good, generally, I am almost stone lighter at 13st 9lbs but I think my sleep quality is what I am most aware of, I can sleep through most things where as pre 13 Nov I couldn’t, I was a light sleeper unless lots of alcohol was involved.
Will I complete the next 182 days, I don’t know, the hardest thing is denial. Surely a glass of red wine with a meal wouldn’t matter, or a beer in the garden listening to TMS but that is not giving up drinking for a year? The sun is shining today and summer is coming so there are many obstacles in my way to stop me achieving 364 days or one year sober but I am determined to do it!
….but I won’t beat myself up too much if I found my self sat watching the Jags Broncos 30 October with a beer in my hand, maybe? #letsride
It struck me as I walked along the canal tonight just how beautiful the moment was, as the birds sang all around me ducks with ducklings flitted about in the water, Billy had walked past 3 different dogs and not bothered with them and the sun shone all over it all.
It just made me smile and I felt great as I wandered along the towpath this is my world this is where I live I have this every day if I want it and I do, but it’s the sun that makes it all just so much better!
I have added another page today, the third page I added recently which I have been working on for ages. I have found some of the questions really challenging to answer and some were really easy, the 75 questions seemed a good idea when I had the idea but I didn’t realise how hard it was going to be to answer them.
The next 15 questions I looked at for the first time tonight and I can tell its going to take a long time to answer but answer them I will I am determined to get all 75 answered eventually.
I hope my words are read by my children one day and I hope they give them an insight into who I am?
Wednesday is the only day I have to go into the office so my day has to start earlier (not by much) because I have to commute, I have to put on a shirt and tie things pre COVID I would not have thought twice about but now it’s become not the norm which is so weird to say. Going into the office extends my working day by at least a couple of hours from my working from home day and now Lincoln will usually have under 11s cricket matches on Wednesday nights as well which is not ideal, so today I woke up at 6:30 and have just sat down at 22:45 having been to work, taken Lincoln to cricket and been to play pool there’s a couple of things in there that I like so I am not complaining but it means I have only spent 30 minutes at home since leaving for work this morning and it just seems such a long day compared to my normal days?
I never thought I could work from home but now I don’t want to go in on a Wednesday I like working from home so much…!
Today I went for an eye test because I am finding it more and more difficult to see to read and I hope getting a pair of readers stop me straining my eyes, which I think is causing me to have headaches. I have also stopped drinking Lucazade because of the headaches incase its sugar highs which Jamie suggested might cause the light headedness I had suffered last week and I have to admit that has gone away since cutting out Lucazade and biscuits.
I still think readers are required because I can’t see but hopefully they will help with the headaches too
Todays blog just advertises the fact that I have added a new page called “Family” these pages are very hard to put together because they are very revealing to me answering the questions and to anyone reading the answers but putting it all down in print feels good. I am almost finished with Reflections the next page so watch this space!
A good day today I met me mate Tom’s wife Celia on my walk this morning and stood talking to her for 10 minutes followed by Mainy’s Dad Pete for a similar 10 minute chat so even though I was out for over an hour only part of it was spent walking much to Billy’s dismay.
Pottering for the rest of the day in the garden digging out the remains of a bush that I planted many years ago and originated from a pot by the front door left by the previous owners of the house. The hole that was left I used to lose three barrow loads of top soil from wher I need a extra row of flags to sit my new shed on.
I lost a bit of momentum when me mate Ade dropped around for a brew and a natter as we sat in the garden catching up not having seen him for 12 months at least if not more. The rest of the day I gardened and lazed around but I got what I wanted done so that’s ok
