Everything at the moment feels hard and nothing seems to be going my way and I feel so much pressure trying to make things right, this in turn makes things worse when things keep going g wrong. The “things” themselves would be miniscule to others but to me the are important and line them up in my brain and its like everything is caving in.

Drink would be my release in the past but without that option walking the dog or building my shed can help but little wins are what I need just something to go right.

Tonight I walked down to the cricket club to see if the U11s were playing their semi final without Lincoln and yes they were, it seems he is not part of that team nor included in any team activities and not worthy of a training top, despite paying his £75 yearly subscription attending practice most Fridays and being available almost everytime he is picked to play. It breaks my heart to think I have not done enough to get him a game, and it’s feelings like this that play on my mind a lot! Just another thing keeping me down?

I am off to the Lake District for the next two days with my mates and I am hoping that will help take my mind away for a bit

Jamie was right when she said to me earlier today that I would do anything to make everyone’s life easier especially hers, even if I end up suffering as consequence. I can’t help the way I am I love my family and I just want to make their life as good as it can be!

It shouldn’t but it does, yet I’ve never been that bothered about having a lot of money so long as the bills are paid and I have enough for a drink too. Since giving up drinking for a year drink is not a concern, my shed is the replacement and I would love to think after the bills are paid I will have money to spend on that but in the last few days it seems one bill after another has stripped all the good work I had done to maintain both my bank accounts. The last couple of days I have made two mistakes that have both cost me a lot of money.

The first mistake was Jamie’s windscreen, which I cracked trying to carry wood home and pressed against the screen it bounced and cracked the screen. The second mistake was made before the first but until the charges letter arrived today I didn’t know I’d done it. I used a bus lane in Birmingham the night I went to pick up Jamie and her mate who were stranded. It was a genuine mistake but thats no excuse.

It’s so annoying that this months “spare” money has been taken because I have made mistakes and that shouldn’t matter it doesn’t make poor or in debt but it means I can’t buy as much wood for my shed. One mistake was annoying but two is really frustrating!

Reagan joined and after school which is not unusual she loves the thought of putting herself forward to get noticed but today her after school club was a rounders club?

She was very tired when she got home but was really enthusiastic to roll me all about it and how she and Jess won too. She sat at the dinner table and loved telling her mom the rules and how good she was at fielding.

An outdoor sporting activity is so unlike what I would think Reagan would like to do let alone voluntarily but she loved it…who knew?

Proud of you little dude I hope you stick with it and I will DEFINITELY be there cheering you on if you get to play the other schools like you say your going to!

Jamie told me a story of how Reagan reacted when she saw Lincoln was with Mommy when she turned up at horse riding “What’s he doing here?” and questioning if he was Mommy’s favourite? There is no favouritism from Mommy or me but it is so difficult to handle Reagan’s moods and she can turn as soon as thinks the world isn’t revolving around her. Tonight she had finished horse riding and it is always when there is no reason to be nice because there is nothing to lose or gain so she brings everyone around her down by being horrible at times?

I am sure we have not raised her to be this privileged with a sense of entitlement because we are not like that and Lincoln isn’t like that so what has made her like that?

Mommy asked her how she would feel if someone said ” What is she doing here?” when she walked in the room to which she replied “I’d feel terrible!” Well that’s how you made Lincoln feel…

A stressful visit to the supermarket and then Lincoln’s promised McDonalds visit, followed with a moody Reagan making Mommy feel terrible too. This culminated in Reagan being told to just go away upon arriving hom when she offered to help put groceries away as if everything would be OK and forgotten about if she did!

It frightens me to think I have made her like this or I am failing as a parent because that’s the worse thing I could do I couldn’t live with myself if it’s my fault! I have to say at this point that I don’t think that is case I think she is “at a difficult age” and is not being helped by things like TikTok because we all fall foul of thinking that is how the world is…

We as parents have 2 children and would do ANYTHING for either of the EQUALLY and that will NEVER change! Reagan just has to learn we are not the enemy we are her team on her side. We love her we just need her to trust us that her happiness is our most important job as parents but it has to be two way?

My day was governed by a trip to Stoke to get Jamie’s car windscreen fixed only to find when I’d driven all the way there that I was a week early ffs! Drove home and rebooked it for Thursday next week and this meant I could go with Lincoln to gymnastics and visit Grandad as I had promised him, when I rang him last week on Fathers day, we would afterwards. So we all went and Grandad was so pleased to see us all and he looked really well too I am always proud to take Jamie and the children to see me dad because I know he really loves them and that I am happy.

We had to leave because Lincoln was hungry but it was a good visit and because the weather looked ominous on the way home everyone had a lazy afternoon while I went out to my shed to do some more work. The job today was to get the gable end next to Jamie’s shed designed and built, but it took me a while to get it right in me head but once I’d visualised it I cracked on and did some great work but now the photos are not impact because sides are not going up anymore its all a bit dare I say mundane to look at but for me absolutely brilliant to do, stuff…..and I can’t wait to get back out there tomorrow!

I went to Mozzas for ingredients for curry while Mommy and Lincoln took Billy for a walk I got back first and cooked our curry and got Lincolns pizza and Reagans tacos cooking before the two of them arrived with Billy. The conversation was about Lincolns plans for when he grows up and the fact that he intends to get a job in a restaurant first before getting a well paid job and investing his wages in a house and a car amongst other things, but it was girls that intrigued me and his thoughts on the female of the species. He will not be interested in the fairer sex he thinks but I said you will be one day and you will find a special one. mommy pipes in by saying she dated loads of boys and kissed a lot of them and then proceeded to tell him Daddy kissed lots of girls (I didn’t) and he was listening and saying he wasn’t going to kiss girls and we sort of got into the old birds and bees discussion. Not to heavily but laid a bit of ground work saying that kissing girls is ok very natural and can be really fun but you just have to be careful if you kiss one girl more than all the others because if you have a baby that will map out the rest of your life and at that point in the conversation Mommy realised where this was heading and asked if he’d had the birds and bees lesson at school yet, to which he said NO!

Mommy then just said “Well I think we’ll come back to this conversation when you have, then!

….and that was the end of that?