What if I fail?

Since I was 17 years old I have drank, on a regular basis, sometimes in moderation and sometimes not so 34 years of drinking and now I have decided to stop for one year…

I did ‘Dry January’ once and it was very tough not because I needed a drink but to stop the festivities at midnight 31st December and not take another sip for the whole month of January just because it will “do you good” By the First of February I was gagging for a drink and probably over did for days because it was a novelty. I have also stopped for a week here and a week there just for a rest but alcohol for the main has been part of my whole adult life.

So to ask myself to spend a year bereft of the thing that has accompanied my life for most of it, is daunting as well as frightening because I can not see myself succeeding yet.

Days Sober 4

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Seeing obstacles

Not saying its been an easy 3 days but it’s only been 3 days, I can still remember Friday nights feeling of drunkeness and the great time we had!

I am having regular thoughts of “triggers” moment that will be difficult to negotiate, last night I was watching football Jamie had gone to bed and the game was bad and I had a sudden craving for food which I thought nothing of but when I arrived at the fridge and opened it I was overwhelmed with the ease I could have just cracked a cider without a care and begun drinking it…? I didn’t but it was what I would normally have done to supress the disapointment \ relax me whatever reason it was a moment!

This was not a forseen obstacle this was a sudden event that I must be aware of, the obstacles I am seeing are things like 4th December walking in the Lakes with me mates this is going to be a tough one unless I tell them what I am doing I acn drive which always helps but lets face it nowadays we are not going for a long walk and a short drink we are an aging drinking society with a walking problem. Even closer Thanksgiving a big trigger but I believe I can prepare, which hopefully will allow me to enjoy it without alcohol but again I may have to admit what I am doing and why.

Last night I saw that The Hold Steady were playing in London in March and immediately thought that would be great to go down there and watch them but then realised I would have to go there and not drink. What do you do down London if you don’t drink whats the point, this says a lot of how I view enjoying anything and my association with alcohol and just how intertwined these two things are in my mind.

Pool nights are easier to think about because I can drive and that flicks a switch in my head “never drink and drive” and I never have, my problem would always be the next morning when I may have been still over the limit but I have never drank before driving so pool won’t be a problem being in a pub around drinkers or mates drinking.

I know there are going to be many obstacles but I can’t look too far ahead at the moment it has to be one day at a time and if necessary one hour at a time at high trigger points.

I know I can do this but what if I fail?

Days Sober 3

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Remembrance Sunday 2021

Woke early for a Sunday because yesterday was wasted being hungover and I needed to get washing done for school tomorrow and clear the kitchen of last nights tea. Remembrance Sunday always has a visit to the British Legion attached to it but today we decided to skip that to avoid temptation for me more than anything. I cleared some empty wine wine bottles away that had been sat in the kitchen since Thursday which didn’t bother me what did resonate with me was a conversation I heard during the parade which consisted of someone say he couldn’t wait to go out on the 18th November for a few beers with his mates, this immediately got me thinking I can’t do that for one year, if I go out it’s for a coke and a chat Uh!

Sober Sunday it is 1:45pm and I am doing ok apart from that tiredness of the day after the day after, but still determined. I am interested in the health benefits heading my way because no alcohol will need to processed so I weighed myself last week and I am 14st 7lbs so there’s a starting point.

Football tonight starts at 21:25 but I don’t associate watching the Broncos with alcohol so I don’t see a problem with that

Daily hurdle (weekdays),

“Teatime” especially if Jamie is working, I am working from home and as I finish work (in the kitchen) my normal go to is to open a cider or pour a glass of wine. I really need to start drinking water in an afternoon to quench my thirst and detract from that teatime urge. Cooking tea alone is a real drink moment and I can never just have one unless by one I mean one bottle of cider followed by one bottle of wine maybe that would be enough!

Do I control alcohol or does alcohol control me?

Both, I would say when I am in control it is the best thing I do I love it I have had lots of great times but when it’s in control it robs me of the memories of whole nights when I can’t stop until I’m unconscious. Sitting with Jamie having a drink in the garden during summer is one of life’s great pleasures but not being able to remember our wedding party is awful and makes me feel stupid and disgusting. Sharing a bottle of red over Sunday lunch is the perfect way to end the week, waking up at 2am midweek still downstairs and dragging myself to bed because alcohol need me to be alone so we can finish what we started at teatime makes me feel weak and pathetic?

I have spent 35 years in an abusive relationship with alcohol and the control is at best a 50 50 split so lets see if I can take control for 1 year!

Days Sober 2

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Hungover

Quitting Day 1 – Today I began my attempt at #oneyearsober the most frightening thing I think I have ever tried! The idea has been in my mind for a while although not a year but to just quit for a while just to show myself (and others) that I can, but I always feel pressure if I tell people what I am doing. That has a lot to do with who I am or who people perceive I am, I put out a persona of this guy who loves a drink and has a happy relationship with drink but that is not the case most of the time. Yes I have had some fantastic times under the influence of alcohol but of late it has become a daily habit rather than something to enjoy occasionally. This is the side of me my friends don’t see they don’t see me consume two bottles of wine per night sometimes more sometimes less but a drink every single night. I have gotten so used to the way I feel everyday so much so that it has become the norm not be able to concentrate to feel sluggish until dinnertime then by teatime start again. This has been my life for so long now certainly Covid lockdown has accentuated it because drinking at home became the only option so everyday was the same and even now I do not go out on a Sunday preferring to start Sunday drinking with out roast then carrying on until late.

One year…I am not sure I can do it but I am determined to try the thing that frightens me is everything I do seems associated with alcohol and to do ALL those things for one year without it is so daunting Thanksgiving Christmas New Year Birthdays Summertime everything without alcohol?

I always consciously think about alcohol / my next drink at some point throughout the day and I intend to try and note these down and what triggered it but wonder if these thoughts will go away if I know there isn’t going to be a drink today? I am also intending to blog my journey and hopefully share my experiences here.

Rather than put it all down on day 1 I will set the scene now, In the middle of last week I quit and intended to go one year but I wasn’t ready and it lasted Tuesday and Wednesday by Thursday I knew we were going out out on Friday so thought I would “prepare” by having a drink Thursday night so that I wasn’t getting back on it while out. That sounds so weird to say but that is how I think? Amateur drinkers binge drinkers don’t drink don’t drink then go out get smashed in and are paralytic can’t get home without help and spend days recovering, I am not an amateur I put the hours in beforehand so I don’t look like them. So I drank Thursday because I was going out drinking Friday. Jamie and I went out with my pool team and their wives to the White Bear then a curry at the Blue Ginger in town followed by Kings Arms the latter was spent drinking Jack Daniels which is not my MO I get very drunk on shorts because I glug them fast and this is what happened and I do not remember going home.

I do remember laying in bed crying admitting I have a problem and that it’s time…

Days Sober 1

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